Quote ... Unquote

Nigel Rees'  radio programme and books provide lots of material for composing limericks, such as this quotation from Sarah, Duchess of Malborough:

"My Lord returned from the war and pleasured me in his topboots", so:

My Lord just returned from the war
And pleasured me thrice on the floor
I'd rather the bed
The floor hurts my head
But it's better than up against the door

The rhythm of the last line is a bit flaky - improvements would be welcomed.

Sir Walter Raleigh is reputed to have taken advantage of a young lady of the court up against a tree. She is supposed to have responded with "Swisser, swatter, Sir Walter", whatever that means, pleasure one hopes.

Thought Sir Walter "perhaps I shall kiss her
But with my luck I'll probably miss her
First a little caress
Then up with her dress
I'll give her one - what's with this swisser?"

Dorothy Parker was noted for her sharp tongue and devastating wit. When at one Hallowe'en party she was told that people were ducking for apples she said "there but for a typographical error is the story of my life". She is also reported to have told a potential caller that she was "too fucking busy - or vice versa". This quotation from her isn't a limerick, and I certainly couldn't match it, but it's very memorable.

“By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying."